


Fading Skies

by redex (urvogel)



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-05
Updated: 2005-12-05
Packaged: 2018-12-02 16:39:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11513298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/urvogel/pseuds/redex
Summary: The sun is going down on Kakashi, and it's time once against to batter his already fractured heart against the stones.





	Fading Skies

**Author's Note:**

> Do you like super angsty Kakashi? Have I got a treat for you.
> 
> Originally posted on fanfiction.net. Please bear in mind it is quite old and may not confirm to more recent canon.

There was blood.

Everywhere.

Kakashi let out a heavy sigh that he thought might be his last, and dropped back onto his ass, back against a tree, clutching at his bleeding, torn side.

Itachi was no better off, he supposed, and maybe that was some sort of victory. Some sort of proof that he _had_ gotten better over the years. Proof that maybe he had become something. Something. Anything.

Or maybe not. Maybe it just meant that he had gotten lucky. Something Gai had said. Luck was part of being a ninja. Or something.

Oh.

His brain was going. It had taken him longer than it should to notice. Lungs too, blood seeping in and ruining his breath. No oxygen to get to the brain, that's why he couldn't think straight. Why the sky was looking darker and the sounds were fading away.

Sasuke. Sakura. Naruto. Gai. Itachi. Obito. Rin. Yondaime. What was...?

And suddenly he wanted him there. Didn't want to die without letting him know that he... They weren't just _rivals_. Gai had been _there_ , like so few others.

And oh, Kakashi remembered. Like pain, like blood, like darkening skies and swirling red eyes, and no, he couldn't die. He was not _allowed_ to die.

He had to live. And suffer.

And the _green_.

* * *

Gai was waiting. Kakashi saw him fiddle with his hands, stand up, talk to the receptionist, look worried, and sit down again. At least once.

He lent against the wall and caught his breath, willing the dizziness out of his head.

It was ironic that the one person he wanted to talk to, would be able to talk to, wasn't allowed to talk to him because they thought he might distress him.

Kakashi allowed himself a little chuckle and regretted it, wheezing and clutching at his side. When his breathing calmed down again, he slowly turned and shuffled back down the hallway to his room.

He had to be careful. If blood soaked through his bandages they would know he had gotten up.

* * *

He had the sheet of his bed pulled up over the lower half of his face. One must maintain dignity whatever the circumstances.

"Kakashi."

Kakashi flinched a little to hear his name said so hesitantly. Was he that fragmented, that close to breaking that Gai could not speak his name openly?

"I got him when he got me. I don't know if he's dead."

He looked away. Guilt. Weakness. He had been unable to make Itachi stay, unable to punish him for leaving. What value did his heart have if it could be betrayed so easily? Useless.

"That's...not why I'm here."

Kakashi could feel the bed press down a little where Gai sat down, next to his legs.

"Last night was one of those nights, and I knew that you..."

He was shaking. Could feel it. Gai was _not_ allowed to cry over him. Not allowed at _all_.

"Gai-"

"Kakashi."

Gai was not crying, but close to it. Deadly serious features glared down at him. And he didn't want to weight of it on his heart, didn't want yet another slice to cut it open. But then, why was he asking for it?

"Do you remember those nights?"

The pain of the dead. A red eye that would not stop burning, would not stop crying; an eye that had its own memories. No moon in the sky to light his blood, the blood of his father, pooling in the kitchen, running in from the bedroom. Who could have guessed that someone so cowardly could have so much blood? The Uchiha features that would sometimes grace him with a smile before disappearing behind an ANBU mask. The Yondaime, the one who had dragged him out to every social event possible. The real father, also dead. Dead because of the thing inside of Naruto, who had gone off with Jiraya. Everyone, dead and gone.

"Yes," he whispered. "Of course. How could I forget."

Gai's arms lifting him from a drunken, blood and glass-strewn mess, gently speeding him elsewhere through the dark, dark night, and putting him to sleep with hummed melodies.

"I..."

Kakashi was tired. Tired, and yet, just as masochistic as he was accused of being.

Yanking down the sheet, and Gai's head at the same time, lead to their lips meeting with no small force.

And _oh, yes_ this was what he wanted, this pain, this pleasure, this strength, this power, this faith.

And Gai kissed him back.

The kiss said: _I know you are broken and I know it can't be perfect, but I can hold you together._

After all, they both were just a little insane. Why not make "rivals" a dirty little euphemism for "lovers"? Why not batter his heart against the rocks once again? It was only a little more pain. And maybe this time he'd actually die. Forget.

His mouth opened to say: "Kill me."

Instead, what Gai heard, was "Come back tomorrow."

* * *

"I'm fine. Let go."

"Now now, Kakashi-san, don't be like that. The doctor especially said that you weren't to stress yourself..."

Kakashi hadn't been acting lately. Not acting pervy, or exuberant, or depressed or _anything_. He didn't even seem to be present at all. And Gai knew, _knew_ with the wisdom of war, that if his eternal rival stayed that way, he would die.

He walked him home, feeling the grip on his arm tighten as they walked.

When they arrived at the door of Kakashi's apartment, it let go, and Gai watched the thunder-clouded head drift to the door and unlock it, cut the near-invisible trip-wires, and turned to face him. The clouded, half-dazed look in his eyes faded to sadness for just a moment.

"Thank you," he whispered, and was gone.

* * *

Another year had gone by, and Gai had not forgotten.

Kakashi saw him in the window, but did not move to let him in. His limbs were suffused with an enforced languidness that came with drinking oneself single-mindedly into oblivion.

The air was humming in his ears, and he could feel his chest rising and falling, heart beating, with a disconcerting loudness. He wanted to make the noise stop. This was not... necessary.

Gai's hands were big, and brushed the hair rather inadequately from his face where it clung to the sweat. He smiled a little, head falling to the side. So tired... And yet, so much energy.

He heard the rumblings of Gai's voice in the air, but couldn't make sense of it. And his body ached, ached for some sort of release, some sort of comfort.

Afterwards, he would regret his weakness.

But his heart was broken too many times to harden itself, and Gai, Gai _smelled_ good and _felt_ good.

He kissed the palm that was closest to his cheek, and caught the muscle between his teeth, tugging just a little. And the noise faded.

"Come on, let's get you to bed."

He allowed himself to be lifted under the arms and pulled into his room.

And that was when he reached up and grabbed the back of Gai's head and mashed their mouths together, reaching behind him to grab fistfuls of his shirt and pull it off. He ignored Gai's protests and hesitancy.

Fuck. He _wanted_ this.

His body was so solid, strong, muscled and rounded. Dragging him down on top of him as he fell onto the bed, half on purpose, Kakashi pulled off his bloodstained shirt and tossed it somewhere.

Sex, yes, he had forgotten how good it was just to fuck someone. No worries.

He was glad his body was responding despite the alcohol. But of course it would. Body rising, he met Gai's hips and moaned his appreciation into Gai's mouth. Hands fumbled at his pants, and he was inordinately aroused.

Gai wanted him.

Pants were slipped off his slim hips and suddenly it was all skin, all contact, and his head pushed back into the mattress as gentle lips caressed the soft skin of his throat.

As expected, Gai was big, like the rest of him. He relished the thought of the pain and pleasure that would come of it and bit down on a tanned shoulder.

"Kakashi..."

He was too hesitant. Yes, yes, he wanted him. Of course he did. Now. No, they didn't need lubricant.

Gai's wet fingers surprised him nevertheless. He gasped and moaned hard, dick twitching, pushing down against them. His feet were tangling in the tortured sheets.

He couldn't help it when they left him. He whimpered. And their eyes met for the first time since Gai entered the room, and to keep him from saying anything Kakashi grabbed his mouth and bit his tongue to get him going again.

When the blunt head of Gai's cock nudged him, he gasped and bit his lip, shuddering. He had a hard time to keep from whining in his throat like a dog who sights food. His fingers dug into shifting muscle, and sucked in a sharp, deep breath.

And _oh_ , the pain set him off just as much as the pleasure, the member inside him filling more than one hole. He let out the held breath slow and shakily, wrapping a leg around Gai's waist.

It had been a long time since he had been able to be on the bottom and feel the excruciating agony of having to _wait_.

It burned in his stomach, burned like a fever, pushing out all the old memories of Itachi's body and Obito's eyes, and his father's shaking hands.

With every movement he lost a little more, gained a little more.

He fought the body holding him down even as he embraced him, jerking their bodies together with a fearful impatience and frustration. He tore at the sheets and skin and hair.

His name was torn from his throat, torn from his heart. He had been there for so long...

He was replied in kind, with a low, rough, sad voice, and he buried his face in the sweaty neck provided to him.

The scream rose up from somewhere deep inside him and exploded, leaving him shuddering, jerking, not knowing where to go.

He saw the concentrated frown on Gai's face as he came, saw the slow slump of his shoulders, his eyes blinking open.

* * *

They sat in silence, the buzz wearing off. Kakashi could feel Gai's weight on the bed, like before, and it was breaking his heart.

"Go away," he whispered, voice hoarse. He didn't want to cry, didn't want to cry...

"Kakashi-"

" _Go away_."

And Gai left and the sheer silence of it made his heart break.

* * *

He stood outside the door. The sobs emanating from the other room were audible to his jounin ears, and he glared down at the glass and blood-stains on the wooden floor.

The noises slowly stopped and finally, bare feet padded to the door and opened it. Gai did not move.

"Gai..."

His voice was even more hoarse than before.

"I'm sorry. You are too kind."

Kakashi's hair tickled his back, and his forehead was warm against his back. He worried that perhaps he _was_ sicker than he was letting on, but it was a fleeting thought.

Arms wrapped around his waist.

It was a long moment. Gai sighed.

"Let's go back to bed."


End file.
